Hello friends! This week has…well…pretty much sucked. After several months of no agoraphobia and greatly diminished panic attacks/dissociation, and as a result being able to do quite a lot (more able to mentally focus, more energy, more able to be outside, etc.), this week it all went to shit. I’ve had panic attacks every day while out in public, and some days on a loop of panic attack > tap out of adrenalin (body can’t produce it forever) > exhaustion > brief moment of calm > panic attack. Rinse and repeat.
It is very fucking frustrating. There are so many actual real terrible things going on in the world that require attention, and yet all I can hear is my brain screaming YOU ARE IN DANGER AND NEED TO HIDE! Even though I know logically that is not real, when the lizard brain is firing on all cylinders logic kinda goes out the window.
But I am trying to learn from the experience by:
- Learning more about lapse, relapse, and how to respond so a lapse doesn’t turn into a relapse. Mostly this means going outside every day and forcing myself to endure having a panic attack in public, so I remember that it is not the end of the world when that happens and I don’t get back into the pattern of avoiding leaving the house.
- Reflecting on the factors that were within my control that created additional stress in the past week. (Some stuff not in my control happened this week, that’s life.)
- Acknowledging the situation to people who I’ve made commitments to and bailed on, taking responsibility and making amends where possible. Everyone has been extremely gracious, supportive, and understanding.
- Getting back into an appropriate self-care routine, including sufficient sleep, regular exercise, healthy eating, and daily meditation and yoga. This all takes time so means I have to do less other stuff, so am also saying no to new commitments.
- Following up with my fear specialist dude to set up regular appointments to make sure things are staying on track.
Part of the disappointment is that it felt really good to be able to stop focusing on recovery and be able to start making new relationships and doing work again. (Recovery work is really boring, narcissistic, and have I mentioned boring?) I am determined to get back there again, and it will require both patience and persistence.
Recap of the past week
Of the actions I mapped out last week, here are the things I did…
- Participated in the first session of One Earth Sangha’s EcoSattva Training.
- Spent some time on fall garden cleanup.
…and did not do:
- Attend the first in Our Place’s 3-evening series Transformation Through First Nations History to learn more about local Indigenous history and resistance to colonialism.
- Work on my draft chapter for the Trans* Buddhist anthology.
- Write a piece for the All Bodies Are Good Bodies website, a beautiful art fundraiser for Victoria PWA Society and a great opportunity to think about how to articulate my paradoxical and complicated relationship with this crazy, stitched together, fragmented, strong, scarred, dysphoric, good enough body…
- Make knishes.
- Start hashing out with my Zen teacher some ideas for the new Administrative Assistant role I’ll be taking on, to help improve the human resource sustainability of my sangha and also hopefully move towards right livelihood in the future (when I’m able well enough to be able to work again).
[Plus other commitments that involved leaving the house, but have already been mentioned on this blog so aren’t “new” items in the Sustainability Challenge.]
I did find some other things I was able to do:
- Read For Indigenous Minds Only (love Inter-library loans!)
- Put together cookie dough ingredients as part of a bake-a-thon to raise funds and awareness of Indigenous land struggles – a crew went down to Rifflandia (local music festival) to sell to people standing in line – brilliant idea SB!
- Went to Sanctuary City rally calling for Victoria city council to implement a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy so undocumented migrant workers, refugees, and immigrants can access health and social services without fear of imprisonment or deportation. This was part of a national day of action call by the Canadian Council on Refugees and also builds on the “Refugees Welcome” cross-country mobilization organized by various organizations and movements including No One Is Illegal.
- Signed up to be a remote letter writer for the California Coalition for Women Prisoners (responding to 3-5 letters per month from non-trans women and trans prisoners, as CCWP receives a lot of mail but has limited staff capacity to respond). CCWP has been around for a long time doing really good work and am really happy to have a way to support their efforts.
- Explored with One Earth Sangha and a fellow EcoSattva Training participant some possibilities for providing real-time closed captioning to make the sessions more accessible to Deaf and Hard of Hearing participants, and committed to transcribing 3 sessions.
- Signed petition and wrote letters to regional and municipal governments supporting a proposal for regional housing first strategy that would include building 367 units of supported housing by 2018.
- Wrote article on sangha (community) for Zenwest newsletter.
- Contributed $ to Yaakswiis Action Camp. This action by Ahousaht people and supporters was successful in closing down a Cermaq salmon farm that was operating without full consent of Ahousaht people. Fish farms pose risks to wild salmon populations, by polluting the water with diseases and toxins.
Looking ahead to the next week
As I mentioned last week, the Sustainability Challenge rules I set for myself are to do one new thing per day. In the next week I’m going to try to focus on mental health (as without that I can’t really do much), with each day (1) refraining from doing something that harms my mental health, and (2) doing something that helps my mental health. Some ideas for this week:
| Refrain from things that harm mental health | Do things that help mental health |
| Compulsively checking email and Facebook | Do yoga 6x/week |
| Spend most of day sitting on couch | Run 3x/week (start with run-walk intervals) |
| Fear-based avoidance: not leaving house, making excessive commitments (avoiding saying no), procrastinating to put off doing an activity I’m scared of, etc. | Zazen for at least 30 min/day |
| Multi-tasking | Walk with sweet spousey and our dog every day |
| Excessive Netflix | Communicate with my ancestors |
| Eat excess processed foods, sweets, and foods low in nutrients | Make nutritious food and eat when hungry |
| Insufficient sleep | Get up early enough to start day off with strong self-care routine |
And what about you?
I would love to get feedback from you. What do you think of all of this rambling? What resonates with you, and what doesn’t? Are you trying your own sustainability initiatives and if so what are you learning?
stand up eko 
I suggest
a) Spending time with animals (especially big, peaceful ones). I realized that I have now spent 3 consecutive weekends with large animals (a horse, alpacas, and a cow respectively) and Brenda commented on how dramatically the whole energy around me settles as soon as I’m with them. If possible, call us up and we can go out and see the alpacas, Julia (llama), and Cisco (horse). It doesn’t need to be a solid plan either, it can be tentative or relatively spur of the moment.
b) Substituting excessive Netflix with listening to at radio program (I especially like documentary formatted ones) and possibly knitting/crafting/etc. at the same time; substituting obsessive interneting (https://www.flickr.com/photos/25031050@N06/3292307605?fb_action_ids=761620333965259&fb_action_types=og.shares) with choosing a specific time of day for a specific period of time to read a newspaper or listen to a broadcast. Sometimes I find knowing what to do instead can help. And doing step downs is easier than just stopping…But if you are watching Netflix, I’ve just started watching Heartland and I love it (but be forewarned, the first 2 seem kind of corny and amateurishly filmed).
c) When you’re getting up, imagine how chickens get up. They are so happy to get out of their coop 🙂
I think
a) it’s super cool that you are going to do close captioning for Deaf and hard of hearing participants. I’ve started transcribing for CARBC which is similar and I’m considering signing up for Camosun’s ASL course (again) which is also similar! 🙂 If you want to borrow a book from my Deaf culture library (yes, I have a library) or talk about anything related to that, I’m by NO MEANS an expert or even experienced, but I am an eager learner and am totally game!
b) Your description of cycling through panic is very, very accurate.
I’m curious
a) When you mean disassociating, do you mean losing touch with reality? Or not feeling like yourself? Or…I’m just curious because I call something I do that but I’ve never really met anyone else who does that and what it’s like for them…
I love
a) The idea of selling cookies, especially to an excited/impatient line of people
b) That walking with I’m-a-fennec-fox-dog and my-favourite-colours-are-byzantium-flattery-and-brandeis-secret-unicorn-person (I’m assuming you’re not sharing names?…Actually, my names might be more revealing…)
c) You!
I want to say about my own sustainability initiatives
a) Your blog/Facebook postings helped encourage me to look more in-depth into refugee issues, and then I reached that point in my geography course and was able to write a really good, knowledgable assignment bit about refugees.You also helped encourage me to contribute in my own little parts, and I donated some of my own money to the UN refugee agency.
b) I’ve been able to find meaningful paid work and realized that my first job is kind of awesome and I feel like I’m contributing, and not just making money (but the making money part is awesome too 😀 ) I’ve also been able to hear healthcare worker’s perspectives through the interviewing which is really super awesome because it helps to remind me that people (even annoying mental health nurses!) usually are actually wanting to do the right thing, and are smart, and aware, and yay! People are inherently good (I think? I hope? I’ve been told?…something like that =D)
c) We got a new toilet that I’m embarassingly excited about because it uses even less water than our old one that I had shoved a massive bottle of sand into. Also, I’m proud of my dad for picking that one and installing it without our bathroom exploding.
d) I’m working hard to learn about candidates and make an informed voting decision. I also ordered tons of copies of My Voter’s Guide for the neighbourhood house and when extras arrived, I brought them over to the Rainbow Kitchen,
e) I saw THREE bats in our backyard for the first time a couple weeks ago, and it was when I was with 2 special friends!! When we first moved in, there were none, then there was only one, then two, and for the first time THREE! I’d like to credit my bat house, but I don’t think that’s it. Either way, I’m so happy for my batty neighbours (or, at least the flying ones).
Alright that’s random and incomplete, but there ya go!
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YAY! You were one of my inspirations behind the 100 Day Sustainability Challenge Celeste so I am super happy that you are actually reading this blog! 🙂 I love all your sustainability initiatives and it helps me a lot to hear what other people are doing so thank you for sharing this.
Awesome suggestions around how to do more stuff that helps mental health and refrain from stuff that harms it, thank you! Although I would never wish this on anyone it is interesting to know that this is pretty much how you experience anxiety/panic too as I’ve often wondered what it is like for you but have felt it might be intrusive to ask. I’ll email you about your question about dissociation, as this blog has, strangely, total random subscribers (? not sure how people find these things or why anyone who doesn’t know me would want to subscribe, but there you have it), and the details feel pretty personal for me – happy to talk with you about it, but not random strangers. But hey, happy to talk about critters, activism, work, and plumbing in a public forum 🙂
Re big animals, hmm, I wonder if you know any cows or alpacas who’d like to come over and hang out in our living room. I’m actually pretty scared of big animals and especially horses, but cows do seem completely unflappable. Gizmo has turned out to be an awesome snuggler. And, you know, there’s always the my-favourite-colours-are-byzantium-flattery-and-brandeis-secret-unicorn land/sea mammal who gives the world’s best hugs. If you and Brenda are heading out to hang out with big animals and you are up for some company, give me a call. We can be anxious in a field together 🙂
BATS!!!! How cool is that! And kudos to B. for successfully installing the new toilet. In awe at his bravery. It just seems like there is so much that could go wrong in a very gross and icky way…
The cookie fundraiser ended up raising $1,000 for Indigenous land defense! Such a great idea. And I bet it made the Rifflandia lineups way more fun than they normally would have been.
Your CARBC work sounds really interesting, that’s very cool. I enjoy transcribing a lot. It’s kind of like a way to get to know stuff about people without actually having to interact with them, if that makes sense. And like you said a great glimpse into people being people, instead of experiencing them only through the lens of their job. Especially annoying mental health professionals, who can be very annoying in the lens of their job! 😉 Glad it is having that humanizing effect for you too.
Unfortunately having now explored the tech options the real-time live closed captioning of the EcoSattva Training isn’t going to work out this time around, but a few of us are transcribing each session so even though it’s not perfect it is better than nothing. And will definitely be looking into it for future as I think the course might run annually. Always happy to talk Deaf/HH culture with you. As part of my experience of dissociation includes being unable to process or respond to sounds, I was as a kid sometimes considered to be HH, learned basics of ASL and spent quite a bit of time in a community program to bring together Deaf, HH and hearing kids (at that time most Deaf kids in BC were segregated through the Jericho Hill residential school). It was one of my first experiences of feeling affirmed and valued by age peers and I still think of it and am always interested in learning more about Deaf culture, so if you have any book suggestions or want to talk about what you are learning, yay!
Am super curious what you are learning from your election sleuthing. I am being lazy as in our riding there are some very particular demographics so I am voting for an OK candidate who’s party I am really disappointed in, simply because in this riding it has been an incredibly close 3-way race for many years and I think the other 2 parties that could take the seat will do more harm than the dude I’ll be voting for. But it definitely feels like a “hold my nose and vote” kind of decision rather than feeling I am voting for something I believe in.
Thanks again for posting, I was really happy to read your comments! 🙂
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